Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Slave roleplaying again

So today I realized I probably, really, just can't roleplay a slave for long. A perfectly acceptable scene in the game, perfectly fitting the guild concept and how this harsh environment works, made me feel very bad - and that's even though nobody did anything wrong out of character.

My current guild leader claims that it's near impossible to keep in and out of character feelings apart - this is the exact opposite of what I heard many other people say; there's something very relieving about another person feeling that way; I have always felt guilty that what my character feels effects me so much.

I don't want to give up the inspiration and the painting. And the roleplaying that brings those two. And the people in the guild have done nothing wrong. But I ended throwing up my dinner after that scene, which really wasn't extreme at all; and I think that's a very clear sign that this isn't for me.

The scene was simple: the bandit leader giving a short spiel to his gang about how slaves are - well, to sum it up, sub-human. That, and having to play my character kneeling there on the ground with her head bowed down by the leader's large hand, then tossed forward as if she was an overused shoe - that just freaked me out. It seems menial, but the dehumanization distilled in these five minute long scene just made me feel so bad. I've always had a problem of identifying too much with my character's feelings, and the discomfort that's been building up this whole month just reached a peak last night.

I just have to hope we can find another guild, just as nice, but with a role I can enjoy playing - and with roleplaying to inspire painting. This past week has been so great in the art department, and I've felt so happy, it's really hard to let that go. But I think it's for the best.


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