Sunday, 11 October 2015

Skypiphany

I go through my full Skype list about once a year. Most of the time, it displays my current guild members, plus husband and a couple of friends; when I change guilds I do some hide and display changes, But I never remove people from the list. Not even those who removed me; it's there just in case one day I'll need to say something - keep in touch - ask how someone's doing...

Seeing as it's guild changing time, I moved everyone to the hidden section and ended up looking at all them gods-know-how-many names I've had there for the past ten years.

I hate nostalgia.

Then something happened. I noticed that Neville had removed me from his Skype. Neville was a big thing in 2011 - a  hyper-intelligent 15 years old kid with a trauma, textbook bonding material for me, really. Then the usual falling apart happened, it hurt for a couple of years, and doesn't hurt anymore. But I never removed him from Skype; I mean, my feelings about the kid were so big - my feelings about anyone who gets close are so big - I wouldn't dream of removing them; what if, what if! We're bonded, aren't we? I love you, kid!

Then I quietly removed him, and the world didn't end. And that - that was a big thing. I suddenly realized that I never let go, of anyone; Especially not the big dear ones, like Jonas or Neville, Meegy or Feifei. But also everyone else. And... by removing Neville from the list, it was somehow, finally, letting go. And it felt good.

So I removed them all. The pathological liar and the silly kid who never gave back them 20 euros; anyone in any old guild I didn't really like; anyone with a hint of bad memory, all quietly removed from contacts, and somehow from my mind. Suddenly I didn't care that the silly kid lied to me; suddenly I could stop being angry at the guild member who did things behind my back, or judged for the worst without asking, or was hurtful - I let go of them all.

It's so weird to understand that I've been carrying them all on my heart, all this time. It was heavy. It was luggage, and it was painful. And all this time, all I had to do was accept that they're gone for good. There will never be fixing it, or a blissful renaissance of a friendship, or any good kind of contact with people I dislike. I don't have to carry this with me, every day, anymore.

And all this from noticing that Neville removed me from his Skype contacts, gods know how many years ago.

This was three days ago. I feel... elevated and cleansed, and lighter of heart than I've been in a long time. Because, you see, this somehow also applied to recent events. I was aching because I missed my guild, which was my home for a full year; but it's in the past now. I can love it to bits without keeping the ache alive in my heart; it is gone, it is not coming back... and that's okay. And so am I. 
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