It also doesn't change much; I find a challenge, I spend some time on it, and if I manage to break through I get explosively excited, write a wall of text about it, then do exactly the same next time it happens, and it's all so very technical and I wish, I wish I could get excited about it with someone like minded. But since that girl fucked me up, I haven't been able to bring myself to trust people anymore. I tried - even with Lucky, who is my best friend, the one lesson I gave him was so hard. I didn't enjoy any of it; I just kept feeling tense and a little sick and I was impatient and - no, I just can't.
But I miss rambling about it, so much. And she's copying so many elements from me - whenever I come up with a new cool feature or visual idea, I see it in her stuff a few days later. Copying really is a form of flattery, but when it's done to you by someone who intentionally deceived you and used your kindness, you just end up feeling used again.
It wasn't like that before what she did; I had this student whom I called at four in the morning because I realized he could make a bit of direly-needed money on the side if he made wow pictures, and for a while he was my Blender buddy and I'd excitedly tell him everything every time I made a discovery. And now... I tried, but I simply can't anymore. It just makes me sad and anxious.
And when I'm exploding with excitement like I am now, I really want to write it all here like I used to; explain and splurge, why I'm so excited - and it's usually because I'm proud, because I managed to come up with a working solution for some challenge. I'm saying 'come up with' because it's no longer a question of googling it - that was the basic stuff - now it's combining and tweaking a few techniques into something that works uniquely for what I do, or even - and those are the best ones - experimenting in Blender and coming up with a method, or a fix, which is entirely my own; not anything I could find on google. Those make me feel the happiest; capable.
All those workaround solutions; control particle hair with a rig even thought I was specifically told it's impossible; stains, tattoos and spells done in a crazy impractical, convoluted manner - but they are done, I manage it; just like, before I could import the Warcraft rigs, I found a solution to make facial expressions after all - I used to freeze the character in a close-enough expression during a Blizzard-made emote, then bring that into blender and stitch only the face unto the body I had manually rigged. It's unorthodox but it works, and that kind of thinking is what I enjoy most. It's as if managed to kick Blender (or ignorance) in the nuts against all odds, despite its best attempts to dishearten me. That; that feeling - it's a wonderful thing to get up in the morning to.
So on a less QQy note, the last ten days or so have been a blurry bliss of frantic Blendering. I made a few huge breakthroughs which enable me freedom I needed; I can make clothes and new parts from scratch, without relying on anything Blizzard-made; I can tweak body shapes quickly and easily and I finally figured out the old rig problem and the solution to it, rather than the workaround I used for the past year; I got a better grasp on hair (again) and can make it look far more natural now, and found a solution enabling me to pretty much rig it; I re-made my thinner human and it took 15 minutes and looked far better than before, and I'm looking forward to an excuse to making more such thing; Having fixed the female goblin model, I want to extrapolate on that - in short, I'm bursting with ideas and eager to see what challenges Blender brings and if I can solve them; the challenge really is the best part.
So, to finish with a high note, three happy thoughts of the day:
- I'm grateful we might have found the source of husband's current allergy spree!
- I'm grateful daddy and I are so close and on good terms now.
- I'm grateful it's so bright and sunny outside.
There, done. Also done rendering; I might post it here and go nuts with excited explanations later.