An introduction

My first diary was a paperback notebook when I was 13. I don't count the hard-cover narrow notebook I wrote my dreams in when I was eight, as I didn't keep up with that. The rest moved on with the time; notebook to a cute, red-cover, embossed book that felt like a fantasy tome, then a few of them lovely nineties hardcovers, then at 2001 Livejournal, at 2010 Blogger, and here we are. 

Even Blogger had a few incarnations - the downright private diary, which was made truly private after ten years because we all have to grow up and accept that the internet can be a double-edged sword; my Thailand chapter blog, which was openly designed to be public, and now, as the Thailand chapter of my life is closing in two days, along with 2023, it's time for a new diary.

'Blog', I feel, indicates it's there to involve other people. This place isn't that - it's just my thoughts and life. It's not very interesting, and it's mostly a place to process the brain-soup output into something I can understand. To make a mess into something orderly and user-friendly. 

The blog address, however, has been with me for almost two decades; the upside of that is, for example, if my old friend Jake looks me up he might have a vague memory of the weird word in the url (true story). The weird word in the url, by the way, is a reference to a Tim Powers book called Dinner at Deviant's Palace. Guess who one of my four favourite authors is. 

So, introduction. 

I'm Bell, born 1977 and am now 45 years old. I'm a life coach, because my dream since age 8 was to heal emotional pain and fix things. As a side passion I teach 3D on Blender on Twitch or help people arrange their house to be pretty and user-friendly. I play World of Warcraft and Lord of the Rings Online. I wish I could afford a dog. I lived in Thailand for 1.5 years, and am moving back to my homeland of Israel because of some medical stuff. I'm both happy and unhappy about that.

I have one and a half days left to pack the earthly belongings of a life I thought would be spent entirely on this tropical paradise island - Koh Samui - and move back to country I feel ambivalent about, whose weather I dislike, where a family I don't get along with (but loves me to bits and vice versa) is, which is notoriously expensive but has a very good, if very often dehumanizing, health system. To top that, Israel is now at war. Writing all this, I'm not sure how come I'm not utterly depressed about going there - but understanding emotions is exactly what this diary is for; so let's see.

• I'm eager to be around people whose culture I fully understand and vice versa.
• Belonging to a medical system that costs me near nothing, and is very good, is a great relief - a peace of mind, oddly enough - when one is in a medical emergency. If any hospital can efficiently help a person with a life-risking internal infection, it's an Israeli one. They might make you wish you were dead by being too exhausted to notice you're a human being, but your flesh will get the best treatment that excellent, overworked, underpaid, underslept doctors can provide.
• I love nesting - coming to an alien-looking empty apartment and making it sweet, welcoming and my own. I'll hopefully get to do that once I'm out of the hospital. 
• I'll get to cuddle my niece and nephew, and be present in their lives.
• Thailand feels almost hostile after I saw the way they handle medical issues. It feels good to leave a scary place for one that feels safe, even if it's at war.
• I'll finally be in a timezone that allows me to join a Warcraft guild again.
• Maybe I'll find a place to live that has a grocer right across the road and then I can have all the tomatoes and radishes I've craved for so long; nothing beats a simple, fresh-vegetable salad in my book.
• I  now know of the existence of silicon cable ties and can likely neaten my cable-mess anywhere. 
• I will not be scared anymore. I will not feel like a stranger in a strange land anymore; I'm going back to a culture I know, a country I know, a mentality I understand.
• Since, for budget reasons, I'll likely be living in the desert - I'll live where two things I don't enjoy to not happen: rain, and humidity. Not... that I ever... get out of my house.

I don't have anxiety or social anxiety - I'm the type that easily makes friendly connections anywhere - but I don't like getting out of the house because I'm very fat; it's just not comfortable to walk. Plus I'm embarrassed; you know how fat people are viewed, and sadly, even being one, I see myself as a lazy failure. I'm aware that this doesn't serve my aspiration of a peaceful, happy life of spreading peace and happiness, so I'm working on it. Oh! Here's another upside to moving back to Israel - I might be prescribed those new weight loss injections, seeing as my weight is a significant danger and disability. That would be nice.

As for 'why don't you diet', I've done it in various forms from age 9 to age 40, and all it got me was stress, constant hunger and temperamentality, and gaining more weight. I think trying something for 30 years was enough to show me that particular method won't help. I hope one day there'll be others that might, as I really don't enjoy being near immobile and ashamed all the time. 

It's also my hope, in this new diary, to always have a visual. I can paint or make 3D art, but for this diary I think I can lean on AI, despite the controversy (I certainly have views about that). 

I think that's enough of a first entry, and I should get back to sorting things (take with me; hope to take with me; give away; bin) and packing. I'll do that.