I feel better. Probably because I did my usual compensative eating, which is a bad habit that's the reason I'm obese, but on the other hand it's wonderful to have something that soothes and calms me down when I'm stressed. And I don't want to view food as an enemy, or feel guilty for eating, every again. So for now I'm grateful.
Today I made a field of daisies. But what's nicer is that the client is really warm and lovely.
I also went through my Wall of Yay. Last year, when I told GetTheeHence I wanted to die, he said that doing stuff to help other people is a known method of - I don't know, something to live for. I was already streaming by then - to help people stuck in Covid quarantine - but I think I upped the portion of my life I dedicated to that, and the Wall of Yay is, in a way, my 'how it started, how it is now'. When someone tells me I generated a big, meaningful and good change in their life, I paste it there; and there's more than enough there to remind me there's stuff I enjoy living for.
I think I even more feel like living than not, now. Usually it's 'life's nice but I wouldn't object to a sudden death right now', whereas now, I don't know. I want to see Dad enjoy his gift in a month. I want to play silly shooters with him and brother. I want to see my students flourish - grow confident, know their worth, skilled and able to drive themselves forward, and making art they're happy with. I want to see Bearette in five years, when she's all of the above and brightening the world, not only my life and those of her closest. I want to visit Ray and Day. And somewhere, in a less important rank but still there, I want to spend a few months on the beach of a turquoise sea, eating tropical fruit and going back to my air-conditioned bungalow to the high-speed internet to get back to Blender work. I really, *really* want to spend that time lying in the sun. I miss the sun. I miss my brown skin, the sweat and the delight of a cold shower after. I very much crave that.
And I fear all the pain, but for now it's somehow possible to think of the nice stuff that could come rather than on the bad stuff that will. That's nice.
It's amazing, what some compensative food can do to my mood.