Oasis

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My tropical dream life is gone, which has enough upsides (decent, free medical treatment, for one) to make this not feel like a tragedy, but rather a change I can even enjoy. I know the mentality in this country; my friends are here; I can have a real-life tabletop party to run Call of Cthulhu to if I feel like it (and I might, which is great, as I haven't felt like GMing in years). Writing this makes me feel better.

This past month, though, has been not good. In a year that was one of the worst in my life even before the war, this past month was close to the worse of the past 14 months; I lived at my dad's, and it was unhealthy.

The thing is - I know he means well. I know he loves me to bits. I know he'll give me any money I need and more, except the right to say 'no'. And, later, except the ability to say 'no', or speak without being scared. I didn't see it when I was a teen; I did, now. I'm 47.

I took a temporary place in the next big city, 250 km away. It's still the middle of the desert; there's a hospital here, and a university and a couple of collages, and it's huge; with no land limitations, the city sprawls wide and hot, with buildings from the 50s and a crumbling infrastructure, with wild chrysanthemum in the yards and considerably less gloss than central Israel, and, I'm told, soon to have zero greenery because it all grows yellow when winter is over. 

I don't care. Great Beancan In The Sky willing, tomorrow I'll sign a contract for a small place in a quite, filthy building with nice neighbours; I'll wash the floor and get a desk and live my tiny, quiet life, and will be allowed to buy blankets whenever the fudge I need them. 

It's not the prettiest place on earth, nor one that sets imaginations on fire. But it's not as if I ever set foot outside in Koh Samui, which certainly is one of the prettiest and inspiring places on earth; besides, if I can dream of fantasy explorers in the jungle regardless of never going into it, I can imagine fantastical Arabian night cities with markets and bandits and starry nights and genies. And if currently I feel pathetic and battered and worthless, well, I'll get better; I'll make myself better. It's just going to take some quiet and time. 



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