Tuesday, 5 December 2017
Monday, 4 December 2017
So I discovered the workaround I thought of doesn't work - it's not a technical issue, it's an artistic one; I ended up rendering manually, using both computers for 36 hours and having to cut corners and cheat - not to mention, having to work on a rendering computer, which is about as dumb as trying to have a talk with your gamer boyfriend on the night of a new Dragon Age release. Sure, it looks like it's there, but you might as well go watch paint dry, because that's the rate of replies you're going to get.
But I was too restless and project-oriented to do something constructive like go out to the sun, or do cooking, or clean the house; so I ended up doing other Blender things all day, with waiting 30 seconds every time I tried to move my viewport camera. It's not dedication; it's obsession.
But! I did get all the rendering done and then all the compiling, and then some polishing and de-bugging and pestering people for help and it was all going very nicely until husband decided to, for the first time in eleven years, indulge in domestic abuse. Like all unkind behaviours, he has no idea how to do it so he did it via a Skype call from his hotel; but what points he lost for effort he gained with results, because he sneezed into my ears without removing his mic, which got me, for the first time in my life, wildly ringing ears and the delightful sensation of having been kicked in the eardrums by a mule. It came complete with the feeling of skewers being twisted behind my eyeballs, and has remained the same since - it's been three hours. So yes, I know my husband loves me; he's the man of my dreams and all that, but he tried to kill me with a sneeze, leaving him with the coolest ever murder weapon and me with a migraine. There's no justice in the world.
Somehow I'm nearly done. I started the current marathon on the 27th, a week ago; it felt shorter because I'm high on having an impossible to-do list, and it also feels as if it's been that way for ages; as if husband has been away for weeks, and I've done nothing but balefully wait for that mandatory sleep time to be over so I can roll back to the computer and throttle down my list again. No out, no sunshine, no people; and I enjoy it. Weird.
I'm very nearly done. I think it's only stitching left, now; perhaps even tomorrow? It's weird to think I'll wake up and have nothing urgent to rush to do; Mornings are best when there's something urgent to get up to and fill the day with purpose. I should remember that.
But first I need to finish this.
And before I can finish it, it should bloody finish rendering already.
Sunday, 3 December 2017
It's an endless combat: Either Blender is trying to kill me by making me want to commit suicide over how goddamn unintuitive it is, or I manage to wrestle it into doing what I want it to, despite the fact that the way to do it is hidden behind seventeen options nested within four dropdown menus that are only visible if you press ctrl+f+u+c+k.
Yesterday I set things to render on half size and half quality, and after nine hours I had 10% done. That meant some revisioning, and I'd like to say that a full day of procrastination was really just my subconscious processing the problem and juggling possible solutions. As it is, I put it all to render on husband's computer (he's abroad, I just hope this doesn't burn his graphics card like it did mine doing renders once), and in case this doesn't work (and why would it) I also found some artistic workarounds that might give the oomph factor without rendering (ha ha) my own computer useless for seven days.
Right now I was trying to make something glow, and Blender said 'hey, this doesn't go up to eleven' and I said 'well, I'll render six identical ones, each with your pathetic doesn't-go-to-eleven glows, then combine them in photoshop, and then I will have six times almost eleven on my glow and you, Blender, can suck my keyboard.
It really feels like a victory when your opponent is a petty irritating intolerable bitchkicking whiney crashing software which happens to be both your homeground, entirely free, and supports an ideal you follow. And I do love Blender; two years of constant experimenting got me familiar with it, even though I wouldn't tell anyone I 'know' Blender. I don't 'know' Blender; I'm just... not awfully disheartened when I need to get something to work and don't know how. It's kind of a contest between my stubbornness and it.
So right now I feel accomplished because I cracked three challenges I had no idea how to tackle two hours ago, plus I got it to submit to my glow demands, plus I found a creative solution to the time consuming thing. Soon it will be only adding the icing on the top of this cake, and then I'll be able to preen for a whole day before I rush back to enjoying making commissions and to new challenges.
And now I'll stop
procrastinating taking a constructive, well needed break processing and will go see what new, creative ways it devised to try and murder me with; the night, after all, is still young.
Friday, 1 December 2017
- Got up at 11:00 to kiss husband goodbye and went back to sleep
- Got up at 14:30 like a responsible adult
- Showered, did the shopping and cooked so I have food for three days
- Did all the medical stuff and made a huge pot of tea
- Work-work-worked until midnight with a rather nice quota done
- Did not forget to drink! Perhaps now my skin will stop falling off
Am about 65% done with project! I might actually made the deadline. I rather miss the liberty to do stuff when I feel like it, like those delicious commissions waiting for me, or a few challenges I need to tackle - but I'm feeling accomplished - which is nice, but dangerous because the project isn't done and 'accomplished' might mean I get all comfy an dawdle. I really am the most productive when I have a deadline and an improbably long to-do list.
I can't be arsed to post my progress bar, but I finished #34 and am off to the uncharted ground of doing stuff I never did before, which is likely my favourite. And the house is clean, and there's nice tea, and there's food if I'm hungry and nobody and nothing to interrupt me for a week; Let's see how much more productive I can get when there's no distractions like family or needing to cook on the line.
Wednesday, 29 November 2017
I'm so glad I took a wide panic margin, because it all boils down to speeding now to make my own-decided deadline, which, mind, nothing bad will happen if I miss. But my own integrity, and things! And proving to myself, and more things! And so on.
I had that week's break between 9 and 10 because general bummer (one day I'll go and get diagnosed and people will say 'yes, crippling rollercoaster moods and feeling so bad you want to simply not get up in the morning has a name and a treatment, here's both, what do you mean you're scared of any psycho-active medicine, aren't you a doctor's daughter, fine then, have fun with those moods) - but then someone said 'well, if you're stuck on #10 how about you switch to the extras' and that got me all excited because the extras presented crazy new challenges of stuff I have no idea how to make, and I'm not as down as to not be excited by a good tutorial yet - fuck you sideways, 2003! - so that got me back on track.
Speaking of 2003 (sideways, fucks, and all that) I got to socialize this week, in a real party, and I have a long half written entry about that but it boils down to 'it was nice, it was draining, I still love those people, they still love me, the 2003 guy showers me with so much sweet soft care it's weird, and when I meet dicky people I don't want to have to use patience to tolerate it, I just want away'.
And now I should really stop procrastinating and go tackle all those challenges on #24. Yes! I can do this! Hear my keyboard roar!
Sunday, 19 November 2017
Turns out that when I need a break from intensely working on my big Blender project, I relax by toying with small Blender projects; and when I get up all chirpy and happy and call dad and five minutes later I'm in tears (my dad is an awesome person and he's showered me with love and care and everything I ever needed, but he's also fiery and opinionated and every word he says weighs on me like a volcano), it seems like my current way of compensation is watching Blender tutorials, so I really think things have improved.
I can't begrudge dad for a ruined day because that's illogical and immature and it's all in my hands and blah blah blah, so instead I secretly begrudge him and sit here and tell myself that while this hit me like a truck, I'm not really that sad, which I've recently learnt is denial and is a certain way of making sure you stay sad for much longer, so you should really just let it out and cry like a baby, only I can't because it doesn't make sense to cry like a baby over a tiny insignificant thing daddy did. So I'll just sit here and be miserable and not work for a whole day because of it, instead.
But I'm compensating by indulging in studying, which makes me feel like an awesome person. I've never been the kind that shops to fill a hole in the heart, and I quit smoking so I can't do that anymore, and I'm quite grateful I don't feel like trying to stuff it shut with food, so yay for healthy compensation. And I almost want a job interview where they ask me 'what's your guilty pleasure' and I say 'studying!'
The project is actually progressing nicely. I'm really not at all sure I'll make that January deadline, but I have a neat sheet with a progress bar with markings in green and red on it, and I spend more time updating and making it neat than I spend working, and it's always nice to remember that the original Belvane and I have more in common than just the name (she has a crippling weakness for neat notebooks and coloured inks too). And I had words with an old friend who might lend their expertise to it too (the project, not the progress bar), which is awesome because nostalgia and old friends and this is exactly the kind of thing these projects are about.
If. If I finish it.
...Back to tutorial watching. Grown ups don't cry because someone was unjustly mean to them; We just soldier on and feel as if our insides is a wilting bush just a little more with every passing moment of denial.