Wednesday, 21 August 2019

Nothing bad happened today, yet I spent three hours of it hiding in bed and crying again. I wish this would stop already. I'm doing everything I can think of - sunshine, going out, taking my meds, practicing positive thinking, writing, asking for help when I'm down, but it just hurts so much, and I just want that pain to stop.

Saturday, 17 August 2019

Thank the gods for good friends.
I want to die, then I manage to make something decent in Blender and that feeling eases a little.

This hurts so much. I don't know what to do.

Friday, 16 August 2019

August Blenderdump

An art dump is due.

So this, from last week. I can't believe it's only been eight days since I made it; it feels like weeks. 

When I took the commission I wasn't too excited - my head was elsewhere - but when I reached it, a couple of weeks later, I got all caught up with making that belt and then happily spiraled into a guilt-free nosedive into detailing it as much as I could. Ghoula would have slapped me on the wrist for being so not cost effective, but Ghoula wasn't around and I do this to pad my perfectionism, not my purse. And it worked - I really, really enjoyed this. So did the client, I think. 

Then this. It didn't have many new things to experiment with; but it did have that chain, and it was fun to figure out.

At first I tried rigging it, which worked but was a dumb solution - that is, a 'let's make this work' without thinking of efficiency or cleanliness or elegance type of solution. So I toyed around with a few more ideas, and ended up finding one that worked considerably better, and I learned a lot in the process. And now I have a smart chain (or rope, or whatever I want it to be) that fits any length and can be easily and organically posed. I'm sort of glad Ghouls was busy this week. 

Also a experimented with a few different ways to make the mist. It doesn't show much in this picture, but they're nifty and I can't wait for an excuse to use them. 

And last, from today. I hate Westfall - that is, I love the Westfall theme, feel and visual, but I quested through it so many times I swore I'd never do it again. And then I did it again. Several times. Even after Cataclysm. But making a visual of Westfall was a treat, and I had this mental image of the wheat idly bobbing in the wind.

It's only now in retrospect that I realize how much I enjoyed making Westfall, enough to go overboard with the yellowness of it. I could have finished this one in an hour; but fixing the character anew in the new Blender took three hours, and then the notion of animating this took over and I spent a good few hours on it; half a day, perhaps? I couldn't get the hair to collide with the head rather than passing through it; When I did manage that, the hair randomly exploded in all directions; and when I found the Goldilocks range - barely, and mainly counting on the camera angle to hide moments of weird hair behaviour - well, then the hair animation stopped reacting to the wind halfway through the clip, and research, experimenting and exploring Blender's bowels didn't merit any solution. 

I ended up cheating with the hair animation, and it shows; it's also a Dumb Solution™ and now those problems nag my mind - hair collision, hair animation - then the easier ones of finding a good way to loop animations, and to save them as gifs without losing so much quality. 

Looks like I'm getting excited by animation again, which is great because that poses a whole slew of new challenges and things to learn; three more commissions and I'll have the time to do that. 

Thursday, 15 August 2019

...On the other hand, I thought it was four in the morning and time for bed, when I discovered it's only midnight. Life's good.

Which is an odd thing to write when the sadness washed over me like a flood not an hour ago and my brain kept suggesting leaping off a skyscraper and I told it to stop being silly because I'm working and there's school and it's awesome and I want to take my brother to Vietnam and also I promised daddy and besides dying seems like a stupid thing to do after I survived the whole bloody year which, oddly, had some of the best things in my life along with losing the love of said life. So no, brain, shut it. Let me work, I just figured out ambient occlusion. 
It's been a week since I did the dishes and the sink was overflowing, but today I washed it all, cleaned the sink with, like, special cleaning products?? What the hell? And I even cleaned the stove, which looks like a warzone because I'm a filthy teenager and I also light my hookah coals on it, and I could write a truly disgusting poem about the wonderful consistency of the stuff I washed off it today. I even soaked the grill and now I smell like coal and grease and cleaning agents and I feel like a real grown up and wonder if real real grown ups feel proud and responsible for having cleaned the stove, and I guess they don't because once you have kids you can't possibly feel that keeping your environment clean is responsible, right?

Sometimes I'm sorry I won't ever have kids. I'll never truly grow up, I'll never gain that other level of responsibility. Nor will I ever feel that kind of love people describe, the awe and head-dazzling pleasure and wonder, or be loved by someone as parents are by their children. I'll never know and be the fully responsible adult. It can make me sad, so I try not to think about it. 

At any case, the stove is as clean as it gets, as is the sink, and I'm out of procrastination options and am going back to work; the only child I'll ever have.

Wednesday, 14 August 2019


Managed to sit myself down and get a significant amount of work done, and once I got into the perfectionist flow I forgot I wasn't enjoying it. This makes me feel nice.

Even so, in the middle of all the nice, there was a brief-yet-unbearable pang of pain over the divorce and my brain suggested the usual, which I don't generally oppose to, but the longer it's been since the breakup the more it feels like a waste, and besides, I was on a roll with work. I guess that's how most people deal with those urges; perhaps the modern manifestation of a suicidal person's survival instinct is 'not now'. Whatever works.

Aside from that there was a lot of procrastinating with tutorials, some procrastinating with watching Poldark, and zero procrastinating with food because work is still more interesting than eating. And Poldark is so pretty I think I'll try to replicate some of those frames.

Outlander is set around the same era, the mid 1700s, but is, in my opinion, absolute crap; the focus is the unconvincing, badly-written romance between two unappealing characters, with everything else being an excuse to throw those two into infuriatingly cheap dramatic situations. I love romance, but this show is based on the rather, erh, quite, um, well, ah, crap books, and no amount of lovely directing, beautiful acting or stunningly deeply-thought costume designs can fix that.

While Poldark, which at first glance looks similar, repeatedly avoids all of the above. There's romance galore, but it never feels like a cheap excuse. It's all about the emotions and relationships, and has a fare share of drama, but it never makes me feel cheated or that my intelligence has been insulted, the way Outlander does.

But more than anything, I love how much is based on subtle expressions there. Whole dialogs spoken by what is not spoken, and I remember at least three occasions where a facial expression hit me in the gut with the magnitude of the emotion is spoke of - and with barely moving any facial muscles.

On top of that, it's simply beautiful. Not in-your-face look how artistic and pretty this is but just - just very well done. Light, composition, palette, all very pleasing. Not subtle at all - what they don't in-your-face in aesthetics rating, they entirely do with telling us what emotion we should be feeling right now by pretty much smacking us on the nose with the music and atmosphere - but I don't care. 

And the main character is an idiot, hot-headed paladin type, and there's one girl there that is very, very beautiful and hence fun to look at. In short - what's not to like, plus a remedy for the disappointment which is Outlander, and a good place to rest my mind when I need to air it a bit. 

Pluuuuus I diagnosed the disease the miners were suffering before the doctor in the show did. As soon as he said 'bleeding gums' I grinned, and for that moment alone I'd say the show was worth it. I do wish there was a good show dedicated to pre-Victorian medicine. I'm not particular about how 'pre'. I'm happy to start approximately when the first primates decided walking on their hind legs was a good idea, or at any point after that and before Semmelweis. If only.

...Three in the morning? How'd it become there in the morning? It's Poldark and bedtime.