Tuesday, 25 September 2018

Tea Set

Today I made the bed; advanced about an inch on the simplest commission I have in line; had two hours of roleplaying which were the best part of the day and really the one good reason to have gotten out of bed at all; showered (responsible me), and met Miracle Coach for the first time since the divorce decision, to consult about how to start building my life back again, on my own, starting and ending with finances.

And since she came here I made her tea and used the precious tea set I was so happy with finding a few months ago, just before life fell apart; delicate, girly and oh-so-pretty, bought for pennies in the second hand shop down the street, after I've searched for something similar on the web for years. And, well; life is crap, but I swear the tea tastes nicer in this.

Sunday, 23 September 2018

The other week, trying to prove a point to a friend, I asked her to email me every evening with a list of the productive things she did that day; because I wanted to make her more aware of her achievements. It seemed to work, and while I can't do the same because I have too many days of little to zero productivity, I'd still like to write it when I manage. And every little bit helps, and every day is a victory, and so on.

So, today I...
  • Made the bed (seeing pretty stuff makes the heart lighter!)
  • Blendered for a few hours! I woke up with a picture in mind. It was odd because it had none of the joy Blendering usually brings, but there's satisfaction in managing to produce a picture, at least/
  • Introduced the stop-a-panic-attack technique to a stranger
  • Cheered someone up
  • Tweaked the blog's look to make it more optimistic
And tomorrow I hope to:
  • Shop for food, because the fridge is down to eggs and crackers
  • Shower, because forgetting to do that is not only gross, it's also wallowing in depression
  • Finish the Laura and the Ariel commissions (they're both practically done, I hope to be able to  clear them off my conscious) 
  • Give the underwater commission another try at least
There. If today was nice and productive, perhaps tomorrow will be, too; and perhaps the joy will return at some point as well. Here's hoping.

Saturday, 22 September 2018

Good Day

Half an hour of decent (or rather, safe) roleplaying last night lifted my mood some; a good night sleep helped; then I woke up and felt a small urge to Blender, so I stormed an old commission and nearly finished it, then went to the next one which is simple and easy and nearly finished that as well. In between I managed to shower, which sounds silly but isn't a simple thing to do when you're feeling down; discovered that the bathroom was in fact quite disgusting and cleaned it for the first time in four months; and changed the sheets, pushing aside all memories (it used to be Xhusband's thing to do because I'm terrified of duvet covers, and yes, I'm middle aged and I still fear duvet covers. They're evil). 

The evening found me chatting with Meegy and Ella, which is nuts because we haven't had a chat together in over six years, yet here we are after all this time, still friendly, still with the old dynamics with them derping so crazily I can't stop laughing; and chatting with Ella, while very different, still did the old magic of plunging into deep and personal and candid in seconds. It felt nice, and it took my mind of the weird numbness, and it made me feel like I might do some good.

And all that thanks to that half an hour of roleplaying. Honestly, I should just put some thought into generating decent roleplaying on a more regular basis and I think my mood and inspiration (and productivity, and sense of progress) will likely be far more stable. That's something good to remember: Most people don't know what truly cheers them up, and the fact that I do is not one to be taken for granted. 

So it was a good day, even if the feelings still feel oddly numb; but I was productive with cleaning and work and socializing and maybe even helping a little, so I'm hopeful. I'm also really really tired, at three thirty in the morning, which is not common at all - it's usually a couple of hours more and even then it's a struggle to fall asleep, but with these yawns now I'm hoping for a good, sweet night's sleep. Let's see how that goes. 

Friday, 21 September 2018

Reason is not welcome

We parted ways on August 3rd. There were a couple of weeks of just being in shock; then a good spell, then a bad one, repeat thrice so far. This is my third visit to the lower side of the curve since the break up, and the amazing thing is that, when here, nothing good matters. Not five days ago I was thinking 'gods, I'm so glad I didn't follow those silly suicide thoughts, I'm really enjoying life' and then there's today - or rather, the past few - where I don't enjoy anything at all, from food to playing Warcraft to reading that book I was so hyped about. It's all tasteless, physically metaphorically both. And my brain goes 'gosh, Bell, I'm so sad, this hurts so much, let's go with them death thoughts' and I go 'dude, are you bonkers, remember how much fun we had last week, you're not being reasonable' and Brain goes 'reason is not welcome'. 

So I try to plug that big gaping hole with sleep or food or tears, and I'm not even sure what's so painful - am I missing the man, or the companionship, or the stability, or the safety? Am I just afraid because I don't remember a time in the past two years when I spent a day without the slightest urge to open Blender, and it's been five such days now? This can't last forever, statistically it will likely last less than ten days, but I feel so confused and uninterested that even when Ghouls called I just waited for it to end (and gods bless her, she absolutely understands).

So I'll just wait for this to end.

Monday, 17 September 2018

What would I do without her?

. גולה מגיעה בתשע וחצי בבוקר, שעה בלתי הגיונית לכל הדיעות; היא כאן רק לקפה זריז ואז הביתה, היא אומרת, כי סידורים, ואולי הצטננות, וזה. אני מספרת לה איך היה אתמול עם שרולו, שבא לרבוץ ולהשתמפרץ איתי בהאזנה לאלבום ההוא של סטינג, ואיך פרמנו דברים שכאבו וניתחנו את הרשומון שהיה הדבר המשותף שלנו באלפיים ושלוש, ואיך זו הקלה והמון שינוי פרספקטיבה; וגולה, זוגתו של שרולו ואם שני ילדיהם, מחבקת אותי בחום, בטח מדביקה אותי שוב בכינים ובהצטננות ולגמרי שווה את זה, אומרת לי כל הכבוד וכאילו מייצבת את כל מה שהרגשתי אתמול לכדי מציאות, כמו שקרם ברולה מתייצב במקרר.

אני מפחדת לבשל, גם כי אני גרועה בזה נורא וגם כי כבר ארבעה חודשים אני אוכלת רק גבינה לבנה וקרקרים, באיזה אקט של ביטוי הכאב; אבל המשקל קפץ כל כך שאני לא יכולה להוריד את טבעת הנישואין (הו, הסמליות), ושלל התופעות הגופניות שבאות עם השמנה קיצונית התגשמו בבת אחת, והשיער נושר בקווצות עבותות, ובקיצור, אני צריכה להתחיל לאכול חלבונים וירקות, ורצוי גם מבושל וחם כדי לשבוע. אז יש מתכון מאבא, משהו עם עוף ותפוחי אדמה, ואני מבועתת מלנסות וכל פעם שאני חושבת על זה המוח מציע "היי, בואי נשחק וורקראפט!" או "בואי נצפה קצת במדריכי בלנדר!" ולפעמים "בואי נתאבד!" ובקיצור, בעיות ואפילו מצרכים יש, ובישול אין.

אבל גולה היא גולה, והיא מיד שמה סיר על האש ובכלל לא מתרגשת מהמחבת מצופת הפיכסה שרבצה שם מאז מאי, ולפני שהספקתי לצייץ היא סידרה את העוף והוא מיטגן לאיטו, והעוף הוא הרי החלק הכי מפחיד. אני מתיישבת על מלאכות קטנות, פשוטות ומספקות כמו לשטוף את המחבת סוף סוף, או לקצוץ בצל, וגולה - הצטננות והכל, לועסת ג'ינג'ר טרי כמדיצינה רוסית חסרת רחמים - בוחשת בבצל, נותנת עלי בקולה העליז להפסיק לפחד כבר, ומסבירה לי על פרוטאין וקולגן וחיידקים איומים ואיך כל זה מיתרגם לבישול.

אני, מה איכפת לי? תוך שעה יש שני סירים גדולים על האש והבית מלא ריחות בישול כאילו גרה כאן איזו אמא אמיתית, או מישהו שלא מפחד מכיריים או פוגע בעצמו באמצעות אוכל מחורבן. גולה עולצת עוד קצת ואז מחוללת החוצה, חמושה בכל שקי הקניות שלה ובכל הבננות שלי והשניצלים הקפואים של הבעלשעבר, שנותרו מיותמים במקפיא על זכרונותיהם המכאיבים והגלוטן הממאיר שלהם.

(בננות זה כל כך הרבה סוכר מרוכז ששמתי לב שכשאני אוכלת אותן יש לי נפילות סוכר כל היום, ואני מתנודדת בין עייפות לרעב ממש כאילו חזרתי לתקופת הסוכר והגלוטן. אז בננות החוצה, תודה ושלום).

והיא משאירה אותי בבית נקי, נעים, מטופח, מסודר, עם פחות זכרונות וטראומה והרגשה שהכל בסדר; יש אוכל, אני מטפלת בעצמי, שברתי את קללת הכיריים ועשיתי עוד צעד לקראת החלמה מהפרידה וחיים בריאים. וכל זאת כי היא דוחקת בי, בנחישות מקסימה ובחיבה כובשת, נטולת מאמץ ומרפרפת כמו פיה טובה פרטית. איזה מזל יש לי.

Sunday, 16 September 2018

Time for Everything

Finished her a few days ago but forgot to post. It's a Quick and Simple commission, aka one where I'm supposed to not work on the armour at all, but I never manage that; I look at it and the things I can improve annoy me so much I always end up polishing it and then I end up, in a time investment calculation, earning about two dollars an hour. But I forget about it when the client is happy, and when I look at a job well done (or rather, as well done as I can currently do it). 

I was very excited to work on the female nightborne model, I'm not sure why; there's something in their physique, like that of the trolls, which is alluringly amazonian - graceful yet powerful, almost tediously refined alongside something primal. I adore the fact that Blizzard manage to communicate all that via silhouette and body language; it's a true design candy. 

Then I got to make that pocket watch, which was a complete waste of businesswoman time but I couldn't use the fugly in-game models I found, and making this took only half an hour, and even that because I dawdled and tweaked it to my heart's content, and it was so easy I delighted all day. One day, I sometimes thing; one day that childhood dream will come true, and I'll have the tools to visualize the images in my mind, anything at all. Even that misty forest valley at dawn, or the marble pavilion by the berry hedge.

And the chains were very easy, and detailing the armour is a no brainer, just time consuming; very relaxing, in fact. I just have to... learn to either work faster or charge according to the amount of work I actually put in, or... or fully embrace the fact I do this for fun and perfectionism and stop trying to translate it to reasonable pricing. Some currencies are more valuable than money.

Saturday, 15 September 2018

Today, I:
  1. Slept like a log for twelve hours
  2. Panicked about finance
  3. Spent the morning listening to various financial advice channels
  4. Spent 47.60 dollars on Ebay buying fairy lights and other stuff to decorate the bedroom and complete the mission of making it
    1. Not ours but mine
    2. The girliest girly room in all of Girlyland
  5. Made a birthday gift for a guildie, which was really nice to make because she has unique facial features and the kind of hair I didn't make for a while, plus I think said guildie is a really nice person
  6. Pushed some more on the impossible commission of impossibleness which has not only an underwater environment that I'm yet to manage to look good, but also one of them poses where, if there was any realism, means you can only see the face of one of the two characters, but I have to somehow solve it and show both without it looking silly
  7. Finished the crazy cloak one character has, which was a really fun challenge to tackle
  8. Took the recipe for some dish from daddy in hope that I can bring myself to cook after four months during which I didn't touch the stove
  9. Got a panic attack at the notion of cooking because it was something I used to do to spoil Xhusband and it's so weird to cook only for myself and oh gods it's so weird to be without him
  10. Successfully swatted panic attack by rampant watching of Blender tutorials
  11. Answered mails, notes, and messages, uploaded some art pieces to places to feel productive
  12. Was both disappointed and relieved there's no new commissions incoming
  13. Yearned for high emotion roleplaying to inspire me to make pictures
  14. Procrastinated only an hour before going to sleep
All in all, good day. Yay.