Grief and External Strength

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It was my intention to use this diary - 'blog' always feels like it's intended for other people to read, while the stuff I write is usually just a thought-dump, so 'diary' fits better, even if it's open for others to read - my intention was to blabber about Blender and 3D when I'm excited, but there's more right now. This is a positive post, despite the coming paragraph.

My father died five weeks ago. It was a complicated relationship, with lots of love and care, but also lots of other stuff - stuff that means this loss is not as unbearably painful as losing a parent usually is. It is, however, still grief; it's confusing, to find oneself crying, or unable to function, while not feeling the loss as keenly as I felt mum's when she passed away. 

How is this a positive post, then? Because of several things. The boyfriend and his children, for a start; we've lived together for a few months now, and it's... well, it's wonderful. This kids are clever, creative and considerate, and I discovered I'm not the terrible cook I thought I was, and it's fun to cook for people I care for who care back; the youngest and I play Skyrim together, the eldest is a cosplayer who knits fantasy stuff, and the boyfriend - my age, my nationality - is a Pratchett geek who shares the same mental background I grew up in; it's like setting one's relationship to Easy Mode. And I'm in love, and have people to care for, and live with people in the same house so there's no longer any feeling of loneliness. I enjoyed my alone time a lot in the past few years, but living with three other, nice people, feels like constantly having friends close-by. There's lots of personal space, but also time together; my daily life feels rich with meaning now, and that meaning is doing stuff with and for other people. 

It's a known thing that doing stuff for other people helps with sadness or even depression; in 2018, deep in post-divorce emotions, a friend recommended I delve into 'doing things for other people'. When Covid happened I got the chance to do that and started teaching 3D for free on Twitch, which leads me to the other reason this is a positive post. 

Streaming has been sparse for the past two years, what with the medical emergency (I scraped my knee on parrot poop in Thailand, got major infection, sepsis and surgeries - it was adventurous) and the moving back to my home country, rebuilding a life, moving thrice in the same year, all that; and somehow I didn't feel confident enough to do it for a year now. Which is weird; the streams are very intimate, mostly informative, not performative or aimed at monetizing, and still I felt anxious about doing it. 

Fast forward to last month, dad passing away. I'm capable of happiness and feel it, and enjoy it, when I'm with the boyfriend, the kids, or friends; I can do my part around the house, which is cooking, cleaning, entertaining the younger or taking the older to her riding lessons; but when there's none of those to get me moving, I can't seem to do my usual, productive along-activities (3D work, or psychology classes); I stay in bed with a book, or simply sleep. I don't feel the grief most of the time, but I don't... do anything unless circumstances force me.

Then, a month ago, some random person in Warcraft gave me a mount! Just a stranger! It was so nice of them that I offered to make them a picture, which I ended somehow doing on stream, then people showed up and had questions and demo requests and when the stream ended I felt energized and happy and driven! I showered (I do that regularly, but during grief it requires effort, and this one didn't), arranged my room a bit, even listened to a lecture. Streaming filled me with energy again! 

It's been four streams now, since father died, after a year of not streaming. When people ask for Blender help and I provide, I feel satisfied, content, happy - worthy. I feel that my time and knowledge are well-spent, improving other people's lives this tiny bit; just like it did during Covid, after the divorce. 

It would never have occurred to me that streaming - not entertainment streaming, but teaching strangers for free - would be something that gives me so much satisfaction and meaning; as much as to buoy me into productivity even during grief. 


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